Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Hello me....

I have been thinking a lot lately about how strange it is to be ME again.  Not the old me really, just a new me.  A better me.  A peaceful me.  I haven't been "Ok" in a long time.  2009 was the beginning of what ended up being three of the hardest years of my life.  TTC, Infertility, pregnancy loss, job loss, my grandfather dying, surgery, treatments, etc.  It just felt like the hits kept rolling in.

Infertility hung around.  Dragging me under.  I couldn't get my head back above water.  I was drowning more and more every day.  To be so down and have so many disappointments and just want a child of your own to love with every part of your soul, to ground you, center you, firmly and decisively establish you as someone meaningful in this world and then not be able to have it month after month with no real idea as to why....it just does something to you mentally.  It leaves you feeling like you've been stuck on a Tilt-A-Whirl.  Going around and around, dizzy, sick, scared.  I thought things and felt things that I would NEVER admit to anyone these past few years.  There were times I thought my marriage couldn't last through another week.  Thank GOD it did.  There were times I thought I would go insane from the hurt and confusion of it all.  Thank GOD I didn't (completely).  There were days I couldn't even speak to people because it felt like uttering one word would take every ounce of strength I had and I needed my strength just to get one foot in front of the other.  And I thought I was a strong person before.  You find out just how much you can handle (or not) when you're dealing with being infertile.  I hit the lowest point of my life last year before finally, slowly, I began to claw my way back.  Back to life, back to Rik, back to myself.  But I still wasn't ok.  I still wasn't ME.  I felt unsteady.  A bad case of vertigo.  No real sense of which was up.  I was trying....I just wasn't getting very far.  The sadness was always there.

Until March.  Out of the clear blue my life did a complete 180.  When I had finally stopped expecting it, I received the biggest gift of my entire life.  I went from wanting a glass of wine to peeing on a stick and then being completely face down in my bathroom floor crying and shaking and freezing and saying the only two things I could say: "Oh my gosh" and "Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you."  I think I spent two hours saying ONLY those two phrases...  I was pregnant.  After years and months and weeks and days of never getting anywhere but further down, I was suddenly present.  VERY, very present.  Those first few days were such a blur.  Terrifyingly happy and just plain terrified.  Loss does a number on your faith.  It's true.  People say you've gotta have faith....it's hard when you have gone through a loss.  I was beyond scared.

I've heard people say their lives changed in an instant when something specific happened to them.   That night changed my life.  Just the knowing.  The beginning of something beautiful I thought I would never get to experience.  It took weeks to sink in.  It took months to finally feel that fear of loss start to slip slowly away.  It took even longer before I realized I am REALLY going to be a mother.  I will have a son.  In a few months, my house will be filled with tiny things.  Tiny clothes, tiny shoes, tiny toys, tiny diapers.   We will be exhausted and stressed and 100% in love with our baby.  We will go from a couple to a family.  Just reading that puts tears in my eyes.  My husband will finally get to hold our past and our future in his hands and let all that love in his heart pour all over our little boy.  Six months ago, I never would have believed we'd be here now.  This place is so.....content.  Six months and I am so me again.  The new me, but me all the same, only different.  I no longer feel like I'm hanging on to my sanity by a thread.  I'm no longer feel like every breath I take is through a tiny straw.  I'm functional.  I'm happy.  I found my smile.  I am at peace again.  I finally see my husband again.  Not the soldier beside me fighting his way through, but my soul mate.  It's so unbelievable to feel this way after so long in the dark.  And it all started to change that night in March.  I haven't spent one day since then living in sorrow or pain or anger.  I didn't even realize it until recently.  The rubberbands around my chest are gone.  The weights on my shoulders have been lifted.  The blinders I was wearing have been removed.  It's like I hopped on a speeding train back to LIFE and never looked back.  I hadn't expected that, I guess.  Not so quickly or so completely.  Our lives are changed.

There are so many people out there still dealing, dragging themselves through every day, trying to breathe in and out, hurting, aching and longing for all these same things.  It seems wrong sometimes that I stand on the other side of infertility now when so many people I know are still in the throes of battle, chest deep in the hurt.  I don't understand why the timing of things has happened this way, but I know that anyone I've met, talked to or followed out here who has gone through the valley of infertility and come out on the other side with their dream, regardless of if it's a child of their heart or a child of their body, they all say the same....The timing was perfect.  The child that was meant for them is theirs and they wouldn't trade a single moment of what they went through to get there.  That's so easy to say from "the other side" but I keep telling myself it is true and God's timing is perfect....if not painful at times.

I don't know what's got me thinking about all of this other than I had this amazing feeling of being present and completely content today.  It's been so long since I felt truly at peace that it was almost a surprise to realize that's what I was feeling.  I am so incredibly grateful.  I'm amazed at God's trust in us and amazed that He has given me the opportunity to build my life around my husband and our little boy.  I know I'll make mistakes and I know there will be days when I do hurt and suffer and struggle again...but for now, I am relishing in this light and soaking up every possible ray of peace and happiness that I can.  I've waited a long time for this.




12 comments:

  1. Love this! I could have written this. I feel/felt all the same emotions :) So happy you are back to being YOU. :) It's a great feeling, isnt it?

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  2. The most reasonable and complete thing I have read in a long time. Bottle this for the twos and threes! :) My son fills holes in my life I never knew existed. It will you, too. Only peace and joy to your family.

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  3. Love this....looooove this. I am SO happy that YOU are so happy. What a wonderful place of joy and contentment to be in. <3

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  4. What a well written post. I'm glad to hear that you are at peace and present - IF seems to drag and drag, but pregnancy and parenthood seems to fly by so being present is the only thing that will allow you to soak up each stage and really embrace it.

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  5. I just love this. Isn't it crazy how "feeling like yourself" can take so long to come back around. It's always a different version of ourselves I think, but we eventually get there. You are going to be a momma. I could just die for you I am so happy.

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  6. As your mom I know the ups and downs of the last several years, the struggles, the battles, and the defeats. Everyone that has a child knows the "when your child hurts you hurt" syndrome. Every prayer I prayed was that GOD would give you the joy, the blessings, the trials and errors of motherhood. Now as your mom, I see the GLOW, radiance and sheer pleasure that GOD has given you. You are my BLESSING, my JOY. I'm so proud of you, I love you more than words could say.

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  7. Oh. Wow. Just such a beautiful post.

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  8. This is awesome. I feel like I have tried so many times to explain what life felt like dealing with the struggle to get pregnant. It is just impossible for me to really say it in a way that makes sense/portrays it well. This post really does. Once you are truly to the other side it is hard to imagine life was every that dark, hard struggle, because the love, hope and awe take over instantly. I am so glad you are on the otherside.

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  9. Beautiful. Just beautiful. I can completely relate to the losing yourself part of this post, and the way life turns around with the BFP. The two years just prior to finally conceiving my daughter, I had my dad stay in my home so that I could take care of him as he died from cancer, I had 3 surgeries, job loss, financial stresses major, worried about my marriage, pregnancy loss, oh and who knows what else. It was brutal and I couldn't even begin to believe it could ever get better. But it did. I found out I was pregnant, 7 days before my dad died, pregnant and due on his birthday. And even though he kept her up there a few extra days, giving her all the smooches and hugs he'd never be able to down here, I still feel like she was born on his birthday. And life is peaceful again. So glad you're feeling like yourself again.

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  10. Here from PAIL

    I'm jealous of you...that's right I said jealous....You have found yourself so much earlier in your pregnancy than I did. Yes I celebrated when I saw my 2 lines, but I was so afraid of losing it I struggled to believe we were finally going to be blessed until I was 35 weeks. I would fake it with family and friends, but at home alone or with my husband I was terrified. Until I had her screaming in my arms, I didn't believe it was really real.

    As I start down the path for #2, I had a slight fear of IF's ugly head and losing myself again. Then I looked at my beautiful daughter and realized my prayers were answered. If we get a #2, we'll be forever grateful, but if my daughter is our only miracle, I will feel just as blessed.

    So happy you have found your place of contentment. For all you've been through to get this little boy, you deserve it. Here's hoping the rest of your pregnancy is speedy and you have a happy healthy full term baby.

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  11. Truly well said. Congratulations on your little boy... may he fill your life with joy immeasurable, and as few tantrums as possible. ;)

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  12. Here from PAIL.

    Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful post! I am so happy for you that you are present in your life again. It is such a wonderful feeling! I know that a pregnancy doesn't take away all of the pain of IF, but it sure does change your perspective quickly and brings light to your days. I'm so glad you're smiling again! Everyone deserves to smile :)

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