Baseball Blues!!!

(GO BRAVES!)

I really love the Braves.  It's one of those things I seriously love and obsess about.  I don't really get into any other sport and thank goodness it's a long season so I don't have to wait but a few months between the end of one and the start of another.  I think I'd drive my husband crazy otherwise.

(My MVP....Martin Prado)

I'm so dumpy because the Braves were winning their division and now they are in 2nd playing the 1st place team, our division rival naturally.  We lost tonight so that makes the Phillies 4 games up on us and we only have 11 games left in the regular season.  Five of which are against the Phillies.  Luckily, we're still winning in the wild card race but the teams in the west that are chasing us are all playing each other so they can gain ground quickly....

(We were hoping Bobby would get ejected....he behaved)

Maybe I'll wear my Braves jersey under my work clothes tomorrow and see if that can't help our luck a little bit?? haha

A Blog By Any Other Name...

A Blog By Any Other Name....would not be as sweet!

Solo Pronto!  

When I chose this name for my blog, it was because of what it meant:  I am ready.  Not really knowing what lay in my future, it seems ironic that I would pick something so completely fitting for what was to come.  As my husband says, "Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes".  It was serendipitous to be sure.

When I wrote my little tag line at the top of the page, I didn't really know what all successes, failures, fears, joys, accomplishments, etc I would have in the coming months, but the last year or so has been stocked full of them.  All of them.  And I said I was ready....but as I quickly found out, there were times that I wasn't.  Not even close.  But then you have to consider that I'm accepting my failures here while rejoicing in my successes so if not being ready is a failure, I accept it and then rejoice in that success.

Solo Pronto!

It's been so nice to have this little place where I can jot down my thoughts in a rather intimate manner and not really worry about who reads it because honestly, only a few of you KNOW me.  I can just relax and be me and not worry about being the topic of conversation around the water cooler the next day (unless one of you, my five followers, happens to have some weird water cooler chats).

I've considered inviting people from my email list or family members or coworkers or facebook pals, but honestly, most of them don't know about half of the things we've been through in the last year and I'm pretty alright with that.  Although, I will admit to complaining about having only 5 followers to my husband the other night...again, accepting my failures here.

I want to thank each and every one of you for reading and making me feel better when I've needed a little boost.  I "ain't to proud to beg" now and then either as you've noticed!  Thank you for indulging me, sometimes it's food for my soul.

Ok, to celebrate one of my accomplishments and end on a happy note, I'm doing really well in my new job and already have a potential new opportunity within the company.  A prominent family in town hired me to be a Legal Assistant for their law firm but I've not actually done much of that.  I think they've been trying to decide if that's really where they want me or not.  So, I have been doing other stuff for some of the other businesses this family owns as well as some of the legal stuff.

I'm working very hard and doing anything that anyone needs done (including but not limited to babysitting, hole punching, wine pouring, condo cleaning for the boss, balancing spreadsheets and making an insane amount of trips to the bank and post office).  I figure the best way to make myself indispensable is to do every "grunt" job that needs to be done until they assign me a full workload.  It's paying off and I'm proud of my persistency and the fact that I've swallowed my pride and started from ground zero again.  Ok, not ZERO, more like five or six on a scale of one to ten with ten being where I was seven months ago.  :)  It's good to be making a good name for myself again.

Hopefully, I will have the opportunity I'm hoping for with them...It may be a better fit for me than my previous job ever was.  I heard something the other day that has really stuck with me.  I'm happy that I've turned a corner and am now able to see something positive out of losing my job in March.  What stuck with me was this phrase: "Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can happen".  Maybe this job was my something better?

SOLO PRONTO!

Shannon

Past Few Weeks...

The past few weeks have been interesting....I've fallen back into a routine and somehow, a happiness that I guess only routine and normalcy can bring you.  I have never really thought my success as a professional defined me as a person, but I realize now it must.  I've been in the worst funk the past six months.  Neurotic, depressed, sad, moody, grumpy, quiet (very out of the ordinary), and pretty much just all 'round FUNKY.  I was questioning my intelligence even... as in, I'm not smart because I don't have a "real" job.  It was really weird to realize all of this the other day.

I realized that I was whistling and singing while doing housework the other night and it struck me that I wasn't dumpy, or moody or sad.  I was actually happy and all I was doing was putting away dishes.  So, I started thinking about things I was feeling and realized that I felt USEFUL again.  I felt like I was contributing to something again.  Even though I was making really good money working at the restaurant, I  wasn't looking at that job as "useful" or "REAL" for some reason.  It's just as useful and real as any other job, but when you're 30, I guess bar tending isn't really what you're hoping you'll do forever.  I'm still doing that a few days a week though, but only because I enjoy it.

I've been home for dinner lately, enjoyed some snuggle time on the couch with the hubby and gotten to sleep at a normal hour again...It's been good for me and I have to say that I'm glad I have the job I have and hopefully, I'll continue to feel GOOD again.  I've missed this version of me.  I like her so much more than I used to; I'm taking nothing for granted these days.

Oddly enough, I got this job on the day I announced to my husband that I was going to be getting myself together again...This was only after looking at several blogs I've come to love about adoption and more adoption and wondering if I should get back to work so that WE could possibly, one day adopt a baby in need...  (((I highly recommend that you follow both of these blogs if you want to read about the process of adoption AND about the love of two mothers and two fathers and a LOT of brothers and sisters!))))

What does it ALL mean????  :)  Do you believe in signs???  Oh, and guess how many internationally adopted kids I've seen in the past three days?  Three.  Hmmm......

My Artistic Husband....

I am hoping all of you (all five of you) will wander over and check out my hubby's new website and blog...  Not only is he super attractive, but he's creative and smart too.  Quite a catch!!!  Here is a picture of his most recent painting....  I happen to love it.

The horse in the bottom right corner was my favorite part.....so I have also attached a picture of it. 

I wish I was this creative!

When Did I Become So Insecure (again)!?

I'll admit that when I was in high school, dealing with a terror of a boyfriend, I was slightly (using the word loosely here) insecure.  I had zero self-esteem, saw myself with a personal self value of nil and had trouble meeting the eyes of most everyone because I was so depressed and lost in self-loathing all the time.

I dug my way out of that between the ages of 20 and 23.  If I do say so myself, I have labored and molded myself into a fairly independent female, complete with a pretty decent self-image and I would like to think of myself as 50% of the value in any given relationship.  I like me.  I think I'm a good person.  I am smart.  I am valuable to a business for my ideas and my knack for winning people over.  I am valuable to my friends because I truly care about them and I think I have a way of making most anyone feel pretty comfortable around me.  I usually do not pay much attention to those who may have a negative opinion of me or want to talk about me behind my back because I have realized that jealousy is the ultimate form of flattery.  NOT that everyone that talks about me is jealous, not by any means!  But I just try to ignore it instead of wasting energy on it.  It doesn't do any good.

So why am I a neurotic mess thinking no one likes me, everyone is talking about me and now that I have a new job, my new boss is going to can me at her first opportunity?


Yes, that's right.  I have a new job.

I am now working for a law office handling their VA clients.  It's a great opportunity with a company owned by a family who owns several other companies throughout the state.  It's a very good job and I am so thrilled to have it.  I just can't seem to relax and ENJOY the fact that I have a job again.

For those of you who have read my older posts, you'll know that I was let go from my previous employer (a very large insurance company I had been with for 7 years) in a way that really rocked my world.  I was moved under a new manager that I knew did not like me and although I did my best to avoid it, she was determined to let me go and it only took her 2.5 months to do it.  So, that seems to have knocked me down, it's only natural.  I thought I had done well in my recovery...

Then, I interviewed for a shiny new job, took some very difficult tests (and passed), aced several interviews with the CEO's and movers and shakers of the company and was offered that job.  Then the CEO had some sort of mental hiccup and when I stood up for what I knew was right, he flipped out and my first day on the job never even happened. There was no way I was going to work in an environment like that after what I went through with my previous employer!

I guess this also had some negative impacts on me that I didn't yet realize...till now.

I was offered this new job last Wednesday in the strangest way.  It literally fell into my lap.  I had told my husband via text that day that I was going to "get myself together".  Meaning, I'd get a real job instead of bar tending and working crazy hours.  I'd stop moping around the house in a dazed funk doing nothing in my jammies all day.  Then, just like that, this job is presented to me without a proper interview, no resume, nothing.  Just a quick little discussion on a balcony at sunset and I was to report for duty the next morning at 9 o'clock.   God works in the most mysterious ways sometimes...

So, I went back to bar tending that night with this intense feeling of gratitude which was almost immediately swallowed up by a HUGE monstrous feeling of fear.
"What if she talks to the Law Offices and they don't want to hire someone from their restaurant?" (yes, they own the restaurant I work at too)
"What if she thinks it over and decides she doesn't want me working for her?"
"What if they decide they can't afford me after all?"
"What if she doesn't like my personality and doesn't want me working next to her all day?"

Well, I survived the night and the next day somehow.  Yet, I still didn't tell many people I had gotten a new job.  I still haven't.  I'm terrified!  I spent the entire night Thursday worrying about one stupid decision I had made about locking or NOT locking the office door when I left because I was terrified the boss would fire me over it.  When I finally realized that I was being irrational and very paranoid, I started analyzing some things I've been feeling lately. And it hit me...

I have turned back into that completely insecure, self-loathing, scared to death teenage girl again!

I never thought that losing my job (twice in three months) would make me this crazy.  I didn't even realize it had happened until last week.  I thought I had a firm grip on who I am and what I have to offer and it infuriates me to know that I've let a few bad and completely unfair situations turn me into this person again.  I don't like feeling like this....not at all.  I want to be happy and secure and carefree again.  I want to believe in myself!  Erg.

So...please post a comment so I know you love me.  Otherwise, I may end up spending the next few nights in a sleepless fit of panic thinking I have no friends and no one wants to talk to me and I need to lose 10 pounds for you to be my friend again!

Say a prayer for me!!  I need it!!

XOXO-
Shannon

Green Lights

Driving to work today, I was headed into downtown and could see several street lights coming up ahead of me.  All of the lights were green.  All three or four of them.  That NEVER happens.  And I had the thought, "Wow, green lights as far as the eye can see!"  And it hit me that I wish life could be that way sometimes.  Is it wrong to wish everything was easy, all the time?  Would that make me incredibly selfish or spoiled?

I know people who appear to have lives that way.  They've never really had to face hardship, never really had to deal with adversity, just moved along through life as easy as can be, nothing but green lights.  It just doesn't seem normal.  I will say though that those people, when finally faced with tragedy or adversity, lose themselves entirely because they don't know how to handle it.  I've seen a perfectly sound adult turn into a four year old, temper tantrum included, because things got tough.  Yet, they have lead a life of virtual ease and blessings for 25-30 years.  


My life experiences have prepared me for the hard stuff I'd like to think.  I fall in the middle somewhere of being truly blessed and having a rough life.  The normal things happened, parents got divorced, over-possessive boyfriend who I let control my every thought for years and years....and then other stuff that isn't normal or right or fair.  But it happened.  And I'm stronger for it.  I can handle life's hardships better because of it.  


But I can't help but wonder what it must feel like to live so carefree, so easy and blessed and lucky with nothing but green lights as far as the eye can see....

Flaming Showerhead

I wrote this forever ago and came across it today....thought I'd share. :)

Monday, May 15, 2006

flaming shower head

I'm reliving a past experience this evening and I thought I'd share it with you. It really might have been one of my most shining moments in time...One of those moments that only I can truly appreciate the absurdity of...but I'm going to try to share it with you now.

I'm sitting here at my desk a while, playing on the computer, when a post-it note falls off the monitor and blows behind the desk (the fan's on high to air out this room due to my dog's stinky butt). Seeing as my house is already messy, I decide I'll retrieve the note and put it back where it goes, although now that I'm thinking of it, what is one tiny post-it note in this messy universe of mine?? Hmmph.

So, anyway, I reach over the desk (rather than walk to the side of it) and stick my hair into the burning flame of a candle on my desk. I immediately recognize that wretched smell for what it is, jerk back, beat myself about the pony tail, and all is well. No real harm done.

On a night roughly ten months ago, I had neither the presence of mind, mercy, nor grace that was bestowed upon me tonight. The story goes a little something like this....

The power was out. The dogs needed a bath. I had candles and matches. You see where this is going? The final ingredient in my recipe for disaster was boredom. It honestly never crossed my mind that I was about to scorch a sixth of my hair off. Not once.

I had the shower ledge lined with burning candles. They were all secure. None were going to fall off and burn the dog with hot wax, I had plenty of light to see what I was doing, what could possibly go wrong?? Like the saying goes, where there's a will, there's a way. In hindsight...well, you know.

Chance is such a good boy. He is so obedient, so trusting. He was so calm and well-behaved as I forced him into the tub and wet him down. I think the poor baby knew what his mommy was headed for and felt the utmost sympathy for my lack of intelligence. He is, after all, a border collie.

So, I'm lathering up the pooch. Talking to him all the while to reassure him things are just peachy. I run into trouble about five minutes into the bath. I can't reach his far left side from my position on the edge of the tub without extreme discomfort in the lower lumbar region, so I decide, what the heck, I'll just get in with him.

Well, I can't necessarily get into the tub with my jeans on, so I drop them, and step on in. I'm standing there behind him, washing his back, his left side and his tail and then it's time for his front left leg. I lean forward, and say, "Shake!". On command, he lifts his little foot for me to clean. I suddenly smell the oh-so-out-of-place smell of something burning and think, "FIRE!". I raise up and give my surroundings a quick, but thorough once over. All is well, nothing is on fire, the candles are all securely in place. "Odd," I think. Odd indeed.

So, back to work I go. It's time for the back left foot. "Stay," I say firmly and lift Chance's back foot to scrub. There it is again, that horrid smell of something burning, but what is it?? I raise up again, frustrated, only slightly concerned and my hair falls into my face. It's red. Not the red you would expect to see when you have red hair, but the red that's on the end of a cigarette. I scream. This is where and when pandamonium insues.

Chance bolts, terrified due to the alien noises coming from my mouth, and bolts, shampoo and all to his favorite spot in the house: my bed, I'm beating the bejesus out of my head, Tess is barking her head off, enjoying the excitement that's going on, my boyfriend is freaking out over all the commotion, I'm dunking my head in the water trying to save my flaming scalp only to end up falling into the dirty dog bath water, shirt and all.

I survived. Barely. No dignity intact.

In the end, I had to wash the comforter, the sheets, the walls, the floors, myself, the dogs and my soaking wet clothes.

I couldn't look Chance in the eye for a week. I could feel Tessie laughing at me behind those green eyes of hers. To beat it all, I looked like Carrot Top after a rough night of performing. My hair on the left side of my head had the same texture as a brillo pad, and you know the smell....God bless whoever invented the french twist.

Living la vida loca, baby.

Emotional Baggage? I Carry Mine in Boxes!

Today is July 8th and I'm going to choose to be happy.  8 is my favorite number, i like the month of July and i had the evening off...therefore, I'm happy.  Sounds easy enough!  Right?  NO?  Hmmm....  Let's think about this....  


Is happiness really a choice?  I've heard so many times that you "gotta let things go", that you have to "stop dwelling on the past", "turn the other cheek", whatever cliche fits your situation, whatever you need to do to CHOOSE to be happy....I've actually (mostly) bought into it.  I've always thought to myself, "You gotta get past this ol' girl.  Don't let this get you down!" and I've been able to take whatever emotion it was that I was dealing with, put it in a little box, slap a lid on it and put it up on a shelf to be dealt with later or forgotten completely.  ((I believe this method is known as compartmentalizing???))  And it's always worked out just fine for me.  


Until recently.


If you've read this blog, you know at this point that we (darling hubby and I) have had a pretty rough six or seven months.  For the most part, I've held it all together.  A few crying episodes, two or three temper tantrums, several angry prayers (forgive me Big Guy, you know I didn't mean it!), and that's it.  I'm still happy (mostly), and chipper (usually) and I'd like to think an overall pleasure to be around.  There are just these random times now and then where something miserable will jump into my mind...it's like some scary, creep blobby monster jumps out of nowhere to remind me of lots of crummy things and I can't help but get the blobby gunk all over me before throwing the creature into his box (cage) and slapping the lid closed!  


Let me explain a bit more...  Unfortunately, when we found out we were pregnant in December, I immediately and foolishly went out to a few magazine sites, paid for 18 months of subscriptions, created an account on a baby site for tracking our pregnancy and went completely overboard all in the first week.  I assumed we would NOT be one of the thousands and thousands who miscarry.  So very naive of me, I know.   So, every month, not once but twice a month, we get a magazine in the mail telling us how to either calm our screaming infant or what to apply to my enormous belly - that is only getting enormous because of the sacrilegious amounts of food I'm shoveling in my face lately - to avoid stretch marks!  I don't think I need to tell you how rough that can be sometimes.  However, I will say that after the first month of receiving those (after having completely forgotten all about them), and the subsequent recovery period needed, I have handled it very well.  I've taken to looking at them as training materials, reference guides for our future, if you will.  The emails are a different story.  


Each week, I get a reminder of what my baby is up to now that I am 18 weeks pregnant, 24 weeks pregnant, etc.  Too bad none of it's true for our baby.  I've tried unsubscribing to this email, I've sent emails to the website, I've even gone out to the site and deleted my account....two weeks later, I got a new one reminding me to eat this or that since I was xyz weeks pregnant.  It's very infuriating but I will say that even THIS has been something I've handled with ladylike grace that even my Great Grandma would be proud of.  I don't read them, I just delete them immediately and go on with my day.


Now that I've rambled on and on, I'll get to my point.  I recently decided (for some unknown reason) to figure up how far along I'd be at this point (since I've spent, oh you know, the last seven months avoiding that topic at all costs)...it seemed the thing to do I suppose.  I basically realized that we'd be in our 8th month and if we were still "with child" at this point, we could have actually already had a baby.  Something about that shook me to my core.  


Our house seemed a little quieter that day.  Work was a little less interesting, conversation wasn't really luring me into it's embrace, the food I ate had no flavor....I was just depressed all day.  


So, I did something I never do.  While on the phone with one of my girlfriends, I decided to extend a hand for a little support, to reach out instead of looking in and boxing things up for the upper shelf.  Very few people know about our situation, so I don't have a ton of people to go to in this situation.  Anyway, back to my story, I said, "Well, I realized today that I'd be 8 months along right now if we hadn't miscarried," and she replied after about half a second, "Yeah, you'd be all fat and miserable too.  Probably on bed rest after all the work you do on your feet!" I was surprised, but not completely shut down so I said, "Yes, probably....but I'd be happy at least" (yes, I was feel very sorry for myself!)...and she simply said, "Happiness is a choice girl!" I just sat there, holding the phone, tears in my eyes.  I didn't know what to say, so I just got off the phone and lowered the metaphorical outstretched arm for support.  I waved my white flag on the day and crawled into bed for the rest of the evening.  


It wasn't her fault.  I wasn't upset at her or her comment.  She has had little ones, no hiccups, no problems, easy as pie.  She doesn't understand what it's like to lose a child (thank God).  I know that....but it was one of those moments in my life that I'll always remember.  It really made me think about how I've always handled things in the past.  Boxing them up for later, until I had either gotten over it and no longer cared or forgotten to be upset about it altogether.  


Even now, with the job situation and how my previous employer did me, if it creeps into my mind at night when I'm almost asleep, I literally say to myself, "Oh no you don't!  We are NOT going to think about THAT!  We'll be up all night long, next topic!"  It's like it's easier for me to shut it down and move on instead of spending days and days thinking about it, getting depressed, etc.  I'm CHOOSING to be happy instead of upset or sad.  But in this situation, I don't agree with or recommend that method.  It's not working.  I don't FEEL like putting a lid on it, I don't feel like avoiding it anymore.  

I am upset.  

(There....I said it.)

I'm pissed off that for whatever reason, we couldn't keep our little baby boy/girl.  Regardless of why, how, etc....it's upsetting and I feel like I DESERVE to be upset if that's what I need to do!  I don't agree that in this situation "happiness is a choice".  It may be an outcome, or a destination I'm trying to get to, but I can't just close the lid on this one and move on.  


That was going to be our son or daughter.  Someone that we were going to chase around the yard.  Someone we were going to teach funny jokes to at an early age so they could make the old folks laugh.  Someone to share a zillion memories with!  We were going to adore this child and raise him or her with all the love we could possibly muster up.....and I know we weren't pregnant for long, but dangit it was long enough for me to know that I was going to be a mommy and long enough for me to see a different life stretched out before me, and it included a baby...THAT baby.   So yeah, I am upset.  I miss the little stinker that will never be.


BUT, I am going to be happy again, and I am happy most of the time, but I'm here to say that I will not, CAN NOT, choose to ignore the little life that we were going to share with our child just so that I can "choose to be happy".  I'm going to honor what was, hope for what will be, and pray that God will grant my sweetheart and me another shot at parenthood...and if in the meantime, there are times when I am not so chipper, not so talkative, and not so jovial, I'm going to sit down, have a good cry, talk to someone who will listen, yell if I need to, and work it out until I get to my happy place again.  


I will get there....


Thanks for reading and listening....it helps so much.


xoxo~
Shannon

TOO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE!!!

So, I was just reading a blog post by someone I stumbled across and when I went to leave my comment, I had to key in the little security word/number/digit thingy and guess what it was????? 

GROIN TIP

I kid you NOT.  How fantastic is that?!  Either someone has a really good sense of humor, or I'm extremely lucky today because that made my day!!!!! ha!  ((Yes, I have the mind of an 8th grade boy sometimes, but it keeps me laughing and that's all that matters!))

Toodles!

Shannon

Learning To Blog...

So, I feel like I'm a little slow on learning what I can about blogging.  I started this blog a long time ago (sorta) and started off with just your random, oddly timed post (sorta).  Then, I decided to post more frequently...  But I know very little about blogging.  I know nothing about finding blogs I like or getting followers or anything like that....and I'm amazed some of those that I follow have so many followers...  (could I say the word follow any more in a sentence?)

Anyway, I'm hoping some of the few that do follow me might have a few guiding words to help me on this little journey of mine.  What do you all think???  Help a sista out?  How do you do it all?  Any little tip will help!!!

Thanks my friends,
Shannon

Topsy Turvy Tumble Down The Rabbit Hole...

Alright, I've been missing in action for a while now because I was too upset really to write about anything that was going on in my life.  Don't you hate that?  Feeling sorry for yourself, loathing everything, wanting to give up and just stay in bed for weeks?  Well, I pulled myself out of THAT pretty quickly, but still couldn't bring myself to rehash all the wretched events that took place since my last (extremely excited) post.

Event #1- I lost my job.  The old one.  Right before I started the new one.  Six days before actually.  I had a boss that didn't like me, though I had done nothing to her to make her dislike me so.  I was being blamed for things I hadn't done wrong without me even knowing it was being put on my shoulders to management (upper).  She basically audited my emails and four days out of 28, I had used my email for personal use in excess of company tolerance.  This was DURING my interview process for the new job.  Never was it taken into consideration that I was also work 8-10 hours overtime each week and not taking lunches.  If you're at your desk 5 hours more than other people, you're going to have more emails...especially when your husband works with you and your coordinating when to pick up, drop off, meet for breakfast break, etc.  I've NEVER felt so betrayed in my entire life.  They could have let me take the new job, but chose not to.  They could have even put me on a performance evaluation for 90 days out but didn't.  The dept was going through layoffs and I've been told since I was let go that management was told to eliminate jobs, didn't matter how.  That way, no severance.  I have NEVER thought people could actually BE this callous.  I worked myself crazy at that job.  LONG hours, volunteering for every project team, developing ideas to make the area more efficient, calling customers on my days OFF from my cell phone to help them resolve an issue just because....and they do that to me?  There were people there BEGGING to be laid off....telling customers they hated their jobs and nothing was done about it.  A manager was accused of sexual harassment and WARNED two weeks before I was let go....yet I get fired for emailing too much four days out of twenty eight.....seriously?  Needless to say, it broke my heart.  I had been OVER THE MOON about my new job.  I had made it through a few rounds of interviews and stiff competition to take that job and to have it yanked out from under me like that was about as big of a blow to my self esteem as I could take.  Deflated is NOT the word.  It still can make me cry to think of it.....How cruel can some people be???  Very.  VERY cruel apparently.  But all I can do is pray for them and hope they can sleep at night knowing how they treated me...and a few others.   I really loved working for Unum and I hate it that these people have taken that from me when I was a good employee and someone who was willing to help anyone else there.

Event #2-I interviewed, tested for, was offered and accepted a new job.....Then the CEO of the company lost his marbles and accused me of not calling him back for several days, leaving me messages that did not exist and confusing his days of when I accepted the job....he actually accused me of blowing him off for three days when I had just accepted the job less than 24 hours before!!!  He claimed I wasn't committed to the job and I hadn't even started yet!!!  So needless to say, that didn't end up working out.  I had no desire to get right back into working for someone who was going to mistreat me as an employee or be completely incompetent and hateful for no reason.  It's like the twilight zone.

So....I've decided that maybe God is trying to tell me something and I'm just not getting the picture.  I'm still reallllly hoping for this lesson to pop up and get my attention.  I mean, it's been one of those years that I just want to start over.  Mulligan please??  I don't think I've felt this insecure since high school.  It's like being bullied all over again but in this case, it's messing with my livelihood, not just my self esteem!

I'm entertaining the idea of going back to school....I just have no idea what I wanna be when I grow up.  This all started on my 30th birthday.  Clearly, 30 is NOT my year.

Till next time, keep me in your thoughts!

Shannon

Playing Ketchup...Feb & March Excitement.

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything substantial...or at all really.  I've been kind of dumpy to say the least.  Not so much depressed, just a little unhappy with things.  So, here is what we've been up to lately!

On February 2nd, our besterest friends had a beautiful little boy....We drove up to Nashville that afternoon and saw the little booger just as they were bringing him in to see his Mommy for the first time.  What an amazing sight to see!!!  This couple struggled quietly with infertility for years.  We never knew it.  

We'd ask when they were going to have children and they always said, "Eventually".  Looking back on it, I'm amazed that Ashley kept it together like she did.  Going through what we went through ONCE, I can't imagine being her and dealing with the miscarriages, the treatments, the stress, the loss....it's one more reason I have SO much respect for her and for her husband, Drew.  

Larkin being adorable!

The sweet thing is that this is their SECOND baby in two years.  :)  Larkin was born in 2008 and on her first birthday, they decided to start trying again (with help) because it took them SO long to conceive with Larkin.  The doc gave Ash a 7% chance of getting pregnant again.  First month of clomid and what do you know?  They were pregnant!  :)  This little boy is precious to say the least.  ((pictures are still on the camera unfortunately!)

This couple is "related" to us through my husband, Rik.  He and Drew were born living across the street from one another and lived there until they went off to college.  They've been best friends since before they even remember!  There are some of the cutest photos of them at 2 years old in leisure suits that have to be the cutest things ever.  

Drew, Ashley, Me, Rik

Anywho, we get to the hospital and Drew starts running down the stats of the baby and when they get to the name, we all thought we KNEW the name...until he said, "Miller Rik".  All I could do was look at Rik......the sweet man...his face lit up like a Christmas tree, he turned allllll red, his eyes filled up with tears and he looked like he was going to start jumping up and down!  I can't even begin to tell you how much it meant to Rik that his best friend would name his first-born son after him.  We had NO idea...we thought they were using "Andrew" (which will be our son's name and we were bummed they were going to use it!)...Boy! Were we surprised?!  

So that was our highlight of February!!!

In March, so far, we've made our annual trip to Roosevelt State Park for Feb Fest.  This festival was started 39 years ago by the "elders" or 1st Generation Festers.  It was a group of about 16 friends that got together every October for Oktoberfest.  Then they started meeting twice a year by getting together in February too.  After children and many years had passed, it became a once annual get-together of 1st and 2nd and now 3rd Generation Festers.  We are invited through Drew's family, who are 1st Generation Festers.  Drew and Rik went to Fest every year as children and now we go as adults...

It's just a lovely, long weekend spent with friends in the same cabins every year on a little lake.  We LOVE IT.  Here are a few pics....

My husband's fantastic artistic photos of the bridge near our cabin.

The Eders

Second Generation Festers

Dark, but this is the 3rd Generation

Drew & Rik

*this photo is taken annually for the slide show*

Me and the beautiful Ashley

This pretty much sums up the weekend.

My hubby hard at work.

The lake.

In other news, I've been absolutely MISERABLE in my job.  Ashley, my sweet friend I mentioned above, swears this is partly to blame for our lack of bebe.  I've never been so stressed in my entire life.  If you've ever felt like you're being set up for failure and then CALLED a failure, it's a REALLY hard pill to swallow.  

I love WHERE I work, but hate the job I'm doing there.  Rik and I both work for a large insurance company in Chattanooga and while the company is fantastic to work for (where else do you get 24 days of paid time off each year?) there seems to be something wrong with my department specifically.  It's just NOT a good fit for me.  Maybe perfect for some, but not for me.

So, I've been looking for another job within the company.  The problem is that we've had a lot of layoff's lately throughout the company so when a job is actually posted as an open position, tons of people are applying for it either out of necessity because their job's being eliminated, or out of fear that their job might be.  

There was a job I was interested in last year but I didn't apply for it.  I heard through the grapevine that the area might be hiring again soon due to growth.  So, I emailed the hiring manager to ask her what I could do to better align myself for a position on that team.  She didn't write back.  A few days later, she stopped me in the cafe' and told me that they'd be posting an open position within a week and to be on the lookout!!!  

I literally stalked the internal job posting site for a solid two weeks.  Then the job posted!  Now, here I am, two interviews, lots of nerves and a month and a half later with a SHINY NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There were LOTS of iffy moments during the process, but I firmly believe that God has a plan for us and even though I didn't get a different job that I wanted last year and was completely broken up about it, THIS job is better, within a growing department, an ambitious bunch of folks and I'm going to be part of it starting in two weeks!!!  When I applied for that job last year, I kept praying, if it's your plan for me, then let it be.  But when it wasn't, I cried and pouted for weeks.  :)  Little did I know what was in store!

So here I am!  No more of this current wretched stress....I still can't quite believe it.  I just can't believe they picked me for the job!!!  Lots of competition, what I felt like was a very mediocre first interview in the tiniest, hottest room I've ever sat in, a poor review from my current manager last week that I had no choice but share with the hiring managers of this job....I mean God HAD to have his hand in this!!  

When I got the call for the offer, it was a day earlier than planned, I had had the WORST day I've probably ever had at work, I was on my way out of town to a concert on the verge of tears, in the rain with a sick husband and a crappy wiper (yes, just one bc the other one blew off in a storm in New Mexico three years ago and we never replaced it)!  Suddenly, I was dancing in the middle of O'Reilly Auto Parts with a new wiper blade in one hand, the phone in the other!  Rik, who had been waiting on me in the car, made an appearance (still no idea what made him come inside) just as I accepted the job!  I mouthed the words, "I GOT THE JOB!" to him and after a few seconds of "surely not...." going across his face, he lost it too!  We were hugging and dancing in the aisle while some man checked out oil filters behind us!  

All I could do was dance around, smile, cry and laugh in alternating intervals.  :)  It went from the WORST day to the BEST day ever in one minute.  Oh, AND I got a raise!  

I had the pleasure of turning in my two week's notice on Friday, on my day off!  It had to be the happiest email I have ever sent.  I had to make a huge effort to keep the thing as professional and serious-sounding as possible.  But, I had to throw in an "I'm really excited about this opportunity and looking forward to taking this next step in my career here"....it just felt too good not to!!!!

Ok, that's all for now.  I'll try to post more frequently so the posts aren't 8 miles long!!!

Till then....

Tear Jerker Time.....

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This video has been circling around the blogs and I thought I'd share this too.  So many people I know are struggling or have struggled with infertility....It's amazing.  This is from my blogger buddy, Jessica's friends, page.

I love because I can....

Scarves.  Border Collies.

Argyle.  Layers when it's cold.

Hot Chocolate.  Beads.

RIK.  Baby socks.

Pictures.  My Fair Lady.  

Snuggle time.  

Poetry.  My fireplace.

Blogging.

Nephews and Nieces.

LAUGHTER.

Braves Baseball.

Cooking.

Key West.  Savannah.

Being married.

Beyond the Zone Saucy Curls.

Warm socks.

Hand-knitted anything.

Down comforters.

Pajamas.

Slippers.

Bedtime.

G'night!

Healthy Eating Looking for Happy Eater

I've decided to revert back to my former healthy, active self.  I decided to get up off the couch.  In doing so, I have had to find things to fill my time that was otherwise being filled with vegging.  I cleaned the house, played with the dogs, and made a lovely grocery list.

Which leads me to the reason for this post!  I've decided to go back to cooking for us five nights a week.  We've been eating out way too much the past three months (thank you holiday season!).   I've managed to gain about 5 lbs that I don't like looking at every day.

With that being said, I went to the grocery store, list in hand, ready to tackle the shopping all on my own.  Let me just interject here that Rik usually goes with me and splits the list (yes, he's a saint of a man) but today, he was home, waiting on the in-laws to visit.  So anywho, I pull into the parking lot and find the ultimate bonus: A front row parking space!

I make it inside with my shopping arsenal: water bottle, credit card, mack-daddy grocery list and ink pen only to realize that at least 2000 people and their closest relatives had also decided to get off the couch.  What a madhouse!!!!  Two hours and forty minutes, and over $200 later, I exit the building exhausted, irritable and with achey legs!  I grumbled the whole way to the car (all of 20 seconds thanks to my awesome parking spot!).

Then, as I loaded those bags into the back of the car, I did what I always do when I leave a grocery store with an overflowing cart....I said a huge thank you to big guy upstairs.  How blessed I am to live in a place where I can work, and bring home a decent paycheck so that I can afford to eat any time that I am hungry.  How blessed I am that there is a place near me where food abounds and I can get anything that we need.  After I finished my prayer of thanks, my mood had improved considerably and I felt silly for being so grumpy!

I can't tell you how many yummy, healthy items I bought, but I know we won't have to buy lunch or dinner again for a few weeks!  In an effort to help myself (trust me, I need it!), I made a menu for this weeks dinners and another menu for the lunches I'd need to pack for myself each night.  Then, I packed a bag full of healthy snacks (apples, granola bars, 100 cal almond packs, water bottles, oatmeal and english muffins) so that I can eat more healthy breakfast items and snacks while I'm at work!

I'm feeling better about this year already!  This week's menu for dinner is looking pretty tasty and I'm happy to say that I'm back on the healthy wagon!  Gym clothes are packed, lunch is packed, meat is thawing for tomorrows dinner, and breakfast is laying on the counter for me to gulp down in the morning.

I feel like today was a winner....and dangit, so am I.

1 Plus 1 Plus 1

Ok, so I ended up working much later than planned this evening (after 7) so I didn't get anything "creative" done like I had planned.  But I did do something other than sit on my tush.  I did laundry.  :) That's something!  Take it or leave it!


So, I've deliberated about this long and hard and I finally decided (with the hubby's permission since it's his life too) to talk about our current "situation".  Our covert operation.  Our secret mission.  Our...well, you get the point.


Very few people knew this (or know about it now), but we've been trying to conceive now for about 8 months.  While that may not seem long to some, to me, someone who had feared pregnancy with all her heart and had done everything possible to prevent it up until the moment we decided to start trying, who is also very impatient and by most standards "healthy"....it's forever.  Or I thought it was...until recently.


Each month, we were bungee jumping.  Or riding a roller coaster of ups and downs.  Whatever analogy you wanna use, we were experiencing it.  Then, in December, we found out we were pregnant.  I found out for certain on Christmas Eve.  What a fantastic present right?!  I was over the moon and more than a little in awe of the little tiny plus sign showing up on the test I took.  I couldn't believe we had done it.  We weren't "broken".  We had made a baby!  Or started to anyway!  I just stared at the test with this dumb grin on my face for a solid three minutes.  Oddly enough, I didn't cry.  Which is very surprising because I'm a huge sap.  I cry over sweet things or sentimental things very easily but somehow, I kept it all together.  Rik didn't suspect a thing!


My husband and I both are baseball fanatics.  More accurately, Braves fanatics.  We go to a game or so every month in Atlanta during the season, sometimes we go to spring training games in FL and we rarely ever miss a game by watching it on TV, going to the game or listening to it on the radio.  Rik was a high school and college pitcher and he has continued pitching in an adult baseball league that plays for several months every spring in Chattanooga, TN for the past 8 or so years.  Baseball is just something we share and we love it.  I took this all to heart when deciding how I would tell him we were pregnant.


That evening, we decided to exchange one gift.  I can never wait until Christmas to give him his presents, but this year, he made me save them all except one.  I snuck away at one point after I took the test and found an old baseball he had in the art studio (he has a huge bucket of them) and then snuck it upstairs into my little knitting room.  I wrote "#1 Daddy" on one side of the ball and then signed it "Love, Shannon +1" on the other side.  I put it in a box with the positive test and a little note that I signed "S. +1" and wrapped them up in Christmas paper.  


Whenever it was time to exchange our gifts, I was so nervous, I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest.  You see, Rik has actually wanted a little one for a few years.  He's been beyond ready to be a Daddy.  It's not something he talks about constantly or anything but he has definitely made it known that he didn't want to wait a year after we were married before we started trying....that was my request (although we didn't wait that long at all).  


I'll never forget being at his class reunion this fall when a lady walked up holding a really adorable little girl about three years old with big blue eyes and blonde braids and then me looking over at Rik and seeing tears in his eyes.  Later, he just said that's exactly what he's imagined our little girl looking like and it had just really gotten him all choked up.  It really hit me hard that he has this pure, sweet desire to have his little girl or little boy wrapped around his neck as soon as possible.


So where were we?  Oh yes.  We were exchanging gifts.  I went first and opened a CD from him while he took pictures.  Then, I took the camera from him and took my sweet (and nervous) time getting that situated before handing him his little wrapped box.  He took forever (as usual) unwrapping his present and I thought I was going to scream before he finally got the paper off the box.  When he opened the box and pulled out the ball, he snorted kind of like he was a little perplexed.  I could see him going through a few things in his head over the course of two or three seconds trying to piece it together and then he saw the test in the box and it clicked.  I have several pictures of him during this whole process and it's really very precious and heart-wrenching.  He just kept saying, "Are you serious?!?!  Are you serious!?!" and then, with huge tears in his eyes, he clobbered me on the couch and kissed me about 50 times.  It really couldn't have been any sweeter.  


Cloud 9.  It's a very nice place to be.  We did sweet little things like call each other Mommy and Daddy.  He'd tell me, "Love you baby" and then tell my belly, "Love you too baby" when I'd leave the house.  I'd tell my belly that Daddy was being a stinker or Daddy was being a sweetheart depending on the situation.  Rik emailed me our company policy on maternity leave.  He checked into all kinds of benefits we have and what we're required to pay out of pocket after our insurance pays.  He made a list of things he wanted to get taken care of before the little one made his/her appearance.  I had looked at tons of baby stuff online, registered us for several baby & parenting magazines.  He had already found a very un-cute Braves mobile online and sent me a picture of it.  We told two of our closest friends because they were in for the holidays and we knew we wanted them to hear it in person and shared an afternoon of giggling and talking about it with them.   It was really sweet and really exciting.  


We went out two days later and bought six or seven books on pregnancy.  He bought three books on "Being Pregnant Too" and how to get ready for raising a baby from a Dad's perspective.  I bought a few nutritional/exercise books and another book that I really liked about things your girlfriends will tell you that your doctor never will (hilarious read, by the way).  The lady at the register was officially the first person we told we were expecting.  She got chills and tears in her eyes.  It made our day!


We had decided to keep the pregnancy quiet for a few weeks because we assumed I was just four weeks and we both knew that there was always something that could go wrong.  We had read the books, or at least the first few chapters of all of them.  So, we thought we'd give it a few weeks and see the doctor first.  Oddly enough, I had an appointment with my OB/GYN on the fourth of January to discuss with her why we weren't getting pregnant and to have my labs done to see if I needed any hormone injections.  We decided we'd just keep that appointment and surprise the doctor with the news so they wouldn't put us off till the 8 week mark before seeing us. *sneaky!*


My birthday was the 29th so we had our dinner plans scheduled that night and a masquerade party a few days later to celebrate with everyone.  It was my big 3-0 so we were going to make a big deal of it!  ha.  Anyway, we passed the days between Christmas and my birthday by making grocery lists including all the necessary foods I was going to have to start eating with matching exercise programs, reading our books, taking pictures of my 4 week pregnant belly and talking constantly about "plus one" and what he/she might look like, which room we were going to put him/her in, what kind of budget we needed to start adapting to and other newly pregnant things I'm sure every newly pregnant couple considers.  We were excited to say the least.


Then the old birthday rolled around.  Before Christmas Eve, I had been dreading the fact that I was turning 30 but looking forward to the evening (we always do something just the two of on the actual day) and then the party a few days later.  But, since we had gotten the news we were expecting, I couldn't care less about either event.  ha!  All I wanted to do was work on being pregnant!  But the day came and with it, unfortunately, lots of sadness.


On Monday, the 28th, I started spotting and cramping a little bit.  I knew this was normal and to be expected but after a little while, I called the doctor just to tell them what was going on (I needed to anyway) and she said she wanted me to come in the next day around 8:30 for blood work to make sure things were going in the right direction.  During that evening and on into that night, the spotting and cramping got worse and worse and worse and by morning, there was little doubt in my mind what was happening. 


We got up early after hardly sleeping and dragged ourselves around the house and through the morning routine in a funk.  It was like walking through really thick fog but not needing to see where you were going anyway because you knew the way.  You could make it from point a to point b without much thought or mental presence.  We held hands on the way to the doctor and I talked to one of my friends who had suffered several miscarriages before having her little girl in 2008.  She tried to be upbeat and explain that this is part of the process for a large number of women but I just didn't want to accept what I already knew in my heart.


We were having a miscarriage.  We were becoming a statistic.  We were swaying the "bad" number instead of building the "good" number in that scenario.  I didn't want to add to it!  "33% of women will miscarry during their lifetime" - I wanted to be in the other 66%, thank you very much.  But no one asked me what I wanted.  In just one day, I became 1 in 33 out of 100.   Take a number.  


Rik wouldn't leave the doctors office until someone saw us.  They only wanted to draw blood and send us along.  He wasn't going to let that happen.  A nurse took us back to a room.  She was very kind and answered several questions that we had, wrote me a Rx for 800 mg ibuprofen tablets ($4 at walmart for a 30 day supply, fyi), and told us to call if we had any other questions.  Then she just told me to go back home, get some rest, they'd let me know "for sure" that afternoon or the next morning.  So I did.  And they did.  


My hCG levels were at 5 and my progesterone levels were "non-existent" to quote the nurse that called me at lunch the following day.  Not that I needed any confirmation.  If anyone reading this has experienced a miscarriage, you know what it's like and you know you don't need a doctor to tell you what's shakin' down.  


It would be pointless to say that we were sad and depleted and shaken to the core.  We were in the depths of despair to quote Anne of Green Gables.  But we kept trying to pull each other back up and out of the funk by reminding each other that we had gotten pregnant.  We could do it again, hopefully.  But for a few days, it was really hard on both of us.  I think outwardly, we both did a really good job.  We got back to work the next day, we laughed with our friends, I survived the teasing from my co-workers about being pregnant instead of having a "stomach bug"(the excuse I gave them), and Rik did his best to cheer me up when he thought I was down.

But honestly, during those first three or four days, I was confused about what the next steps were and felt like no one was telling us what to do and I needed them to tell me what to do.  Did I need to have a procedure done?  How long does a miscarriage take?  When should we go back in for a visit to the doctor?  How long until you can try to get pregnant again?  Could a miscarriage cause other health problems?

We felt completely lost.  Neither of us knew what was going on.  We still had the appointment that Monday (the 4th) and luckily they didn't tell us to cancel it (since we were no longer pregnant) when we got our lab results.   So, we decided we would make a list of questions and ask the doc everything we needed to ask her then.  So, we had my little masquerade on the 2nd as planned and plugged along until Monday.


Monday, the doctor calls and has to reschedule because of an emergency.  We were so frustrated when we couldn't reach anyone to actually get the appointment rescheduled and even more frustrated when we found out it wasn't with the doctor, but with the Nurse Practitioner!  We still hadn't met our doctor! 


Tuesday morning around 4 am, I woke up and started vomiting.  I ended up throwing up 7 times in 9 hours.  Because we were already clueless and scared, we immediately thought something was wrong related to the miscarriage.  Especially after the PCP told us to call the OB/GYN and if I didn't stop throwing up to get to an ER.  Furthermore, the OB's office asked me how quickly I could get there and when I said thirty minutes, she said, "See you at 10:30".  It was 10:02.


It ended up that I only had a stomach virus that kicked my butt for about 24 hours and it did take my mind off of "things" but I literally thought I was dying at one point.  I even came back in the house when we were leaving to go to the doctor to pet the dogs one last time in case something happened to me.  But I survived.  We are surviving and the doctor gave us the ok to start trying again now that my body has recovered (we killed 2 birds with 1 stone during that visit AND I got to meet the doctor so that's the silver lining here).  Trying again just seems weird though.  It seems odd to think we can just get right back to it, but what do I know?  


So that's where we're at now.  That's our situation.  Our covert mission that failed.  And here we are working through it.  I'm working through it online when I haven't even told 90% of my family or friends.  I've just read so many blogs written by people who have been trying to conceive for years, gone through fertility treatments I can't even decipher, much less understand and have had more miscarriages than you can imagine...and they still manage to make it through each and every day with a certain strength and determination and grace.  I'm in awe of these people I've read about these past few days.  It's made me realize that I can get through this and maybe blogging or talking about it with others will help.  It's a bump in the road compared to what some have gone through and we'll keep traveling down this path as long as God allows us to do so and hope for the best.  We want a family and if we're able, we'll have one.  I look forward to seeing Rik with our little one's arms wrapped around his neck more than you can possibly know.


Till next time,
S.

Creatively Adding To My List

So, reading all these blogs written by all these amazing folks has really got me thinking.....I need to continue start my journey to being as creative as I can possibly be.  


Growing up, I had a wild imagination.  I made things, jewelry, perfume (not my best work).  I wrote poetry and short stories.  I read all the time (still do) and loved nothing more than going places in my mind I'd never been to and knew I probably never would.  Then I grew up.


I realized you had to work hard, make a living, pay your bills, eat, sleep and then do it all over again.  It's not that I suddenly thought, "Oh well, responsibility=creative".  It's not that at all...I just let life get in the way I suppose.


I've poked and prodded my creative self here and there-I taught myself to knit and crochet, I've refinished a few pieces of furniture, I've written poetry pretty regularly, I've made a few interesting pieces of jewelry, I made the masquerade mask I wore for my birthday party last week and then there was the two years or so where I made and sold gift baskets filled with my own bath gels, lotions, soaps, lip balm, etc.....but I just fill kind of empty because I'm not really doing anything regularly.  

My husband, Rik has his art studio on the basement floor of the house and I have the upstairs bonus room set up just for me.  It's currently home to hundreds of Christmas decorations (yes my tree is still up and the lights are still on the house) scattered all over the floor and my yarn collection pushed into each corner for safe-keeping.  It's like a Christmas graveyard decorated with skeins of yarn.  I really feel badly about not doing anything to get things back in order up there!


For the first time in my life, I've become a sedentary being.  I get home from work and I sit.  I fix our dinner or we grab something and then I do nothing but get on the computer or watch television.  What happened to the days of old when I refused to even turn ON the tube because it was such a huge waste of my time?  It's like all the energy (creative and otherwise) has just been zapped out of me.  This blog is the closest thing to creative that I can get right now it seems.  


I think I'm in the dumps.  I need a kick start or a jolt or a jarring or something...inspiration would be welcome at this point too.  


So, here it is....I'm going to go on record here and say that I have decided this will be added to my New Year's Resolution list:


Shannon's 2010 New Year's Resolution List (thus far):
1) To keep my mouth shut more often.
2) To be creative in some way each day.


There, I feel better because I've now made it official.  I'm going to do my level best to post some pictures of my projects to come just to keep me honest!  

just a few lovely pics....

Well, this is just a funny/hilarious picture of Baxter Bagwell doing his jack russell thang.....JUMPING.  It just cracks me up every time I look at it because...well, it just does.

Tess realllllly hated me for this, but it was her birffday!!!  You have to wear a birffday hat and be sung to on your birffday!!!!

The other man in my life.....Chance.  Can you really get any prettier?  He does no wrong.

Let's just say this picture has a certain hilarity to it that some do not see....